Why
by JNFR
Summary: Was asked to post this here: An alternative look at Casper's relationship based on upcoming spoilers for November Sweeps, 2004. Warning- this is a pro-Casper fanfic. Hope you guys enjoy it. :-) Completed work.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: GH owns the rights to these characters, I don't.

Jax really didn't want to look, tried to convince himself that it wasn't time yet but he glanced at his watch anyway and noticed that it was 8:05 p.m. Courtney wasn't coming- she was going to stay in Port Charles with Jason. It was where she wanted to be all along. All the laughing banter, the sweet flirtation, the smiling promises to go away with him- they were all a lie. Telling him she didn't want to lose him, telling him that she wanted him in her life- that he made her smile so much her face hurt... it didn't mean anything. She probably said it just to make him feel better, to keep him hanging around while she tried to come to grips with the fact that she had divorced Jason. He didn't even know why she decided to absolve her marriage to him if she never planned on giving him up. _You were a fool Jacks_, he thought harshly to himself. He picked up the phone and waited until he heard his pilot's cheery voice drift over the line. "Go ahead and take off. It appears I'll be traveling alone," he said sharply, hanging up the phone. He suddenly felt horrible at the way he had barked that order to his pilot- it wasn't as if the poor man was the source of his problem. The source of his problem was a beautiful blonde who got him to open his already very scarred heart, inspired him to believe that love could happen for him and tricked him into believing that he truly was meant to have happiness in his life like his parents. And that very same blonde who teased him into smiling, who made him look forward to waking up each morning, who made his eyes bright and his body warm was the very same blonde that ripped out his heart today and stomped on it without a second thought.

Courtney walked quickly as she approached the police station, trying to get to Jason so that she could tell him she had talked to Carly about Durant. Hopefully the man will not press charges or say anything incriminating against Jason. She had been worried when she heard about the shooting, had the nagging suspicion that Jason was going to be deemed the main suspect in this case. At first she had been truly alarmed that Jason could have done such a thing- and then she had firmly reminded herself that he was a hitman, that was his job. She couldn't deal with it, that's why she had gotten a divorce. But Jason was like a drug, she couldn't keep him locked away. And she knew she shouldn't have to- they were married once and he would always hold a special place in her heart. But she knew, she absolutely _knew_ that she had to because they would never work. She didn't think she could do it- not until she started spending time with Jax. Thoughts of Jason came into her mind progressively less, she stopped crying herself to sleep and she actually wanted to wake up in the morning. She knew why she looked forward to each day- because she knew Jax would always be there, buying her breakfast, making insane eating arrangements, teasing her until she gave in and laughed. Thinking of him only made her uneasy. He was not happy with her, that much she was certain. She had promised him to go away and she really wanted to- but when she found out Jason was being held in custody because he threatened Durant over her, she felt guilty. And she didn't know what else, but she knew she should stay. Jason needed her and she couldn't let him down. She finally reached the PCPD main office and walked swiftly in, her eyes searching for Jason. She finally saw him and stopped dead in her tracks. He was bending down, his ear pressed gently against Sam's stomach. He straightened up and smiled, talking intimately to her. Courtney felt her heart slam into her rib cage. _How many times are you going to do this Courtney, how many times do you have to see this before you finally let him go_, she asked herself angrily, turning around and running out of there. This was the last time.


	2. Chapter 2

Jax turned off his cell phone and threw it onto the floor. He shut his hotel room door and walked blindly into the elevator as the doors opened. He pushed the button and stared out the majestic open window overlooking the city. He was so angry and disgusted with himself that he didn't want to think, didn't want to remember any of the past six months. What the hell was wrong with him that he would be so blind, so naive, to fall for a triangle relationship like that again. He had left Brenda, the woman he believed with his heart and soul that he would love for the rest of his life, because she couldn't let go of her ex. He saw the same exact thing happening with Courtney but he had gone along with it anyway, when he should have known! It had been staring at him in the face, threatening to hit him full force for months and yet... he had still stood there, taken it like a man, hoping against hope that he wasn't wrong about her.

_She's just like Brenda_, he thought savagely to himself, bitterness pouring through him like acid. He felt a slight tugging at his heart but he refused to acknowledge it. _She's not_, his heart whispered. "Yes, she damn well is! She can't let go of her ex and she never showed any inclination to do so!" he said fiercely to himself. _No, she's different. You saw progress. That day in the park when she came to meet you- she said it herself. She said "I realized that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. I was out of it. So I got on the elevator and I walked to the park and, you know, for the first time, I wasn't annoyed to see you and I wasn't irritated by your arrogant presumption." That's exactly what she said and that's when you fell for her. Because you saw a strong woman who wasn't going to fall back into bad habits. You saw a woman who had made a painful decision but was going to stick with it because she knew what was best for her. You fell in love with her strength_, his heart argued.

"No, I saw what I wanted to see- she was never really like that. I thought she was, but she wasn't," he counteracted bitterly. The elevator door opened and he walked out of it, directly to the bar.

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Courtney finally stopped running when she reached her car. She began rummaging through her purse, searching clumsily for her car keys and when she couldn't find them, she began throwing any object that encountered her hand onto the hood of the car. "Damn it!" she swore angrily and slumped back against the car door.

She didn't know why she did this to herself. She didn't know why she always felt the constant need to protect the people she loved when they never even thanked her for her effort. She had spent the past few years of her life defending all those that she cared about- from AJ to Sonny to Jason. Did they ever appreciate it? Was there once that she believed they even felt any sort of pride that she would do anything in her power to protect them? For God's sake, she _stripped_ to save AJ and he returned the favor by stalking her! She constantly tried to do right by Sonny and he disowned her! She did everything in her power to defend Jason and the only thing he ever did was send her home! _And lie to you about being the father of Sam's baby_, she reminded herself painfully. God, it had hurt so much. Losing her baby had been heartbreaking but losing Jason to another woman who was willing and able to give him a child had made it even worse. She felt inadequate- like she wasn't good enough.

_I hate that feeling_, she said miserably to herself, her eyes blurring as she felt hot tears well up. The only man who had ever shown any sort of appreciation for her defense of him was... Jax. Her heart squeezed in pain when she remembered the way his gorgeous blue eyes had lit up when she had gone on her tirade against Mac over his release. The sweet memory of that lifted her heart a little but then it immediately went away because it was overcome with another memory- those same gorgeous blue eyes that had lit up at her protectiveness had been dark and filled with sadness earlier on the docks.

_"My pilot and I will leave at 8:00, and I hope that you can make it. It's up to you."_ Jax's voice had been laced with regret as he spoke those words to her, as if he couldn't believe he was saying them at all.

_"Courtney, all you have to do is just run your foundation and live your life. That's what you wanted. That's all I want for you."_ Jason had said those words to her firmly in the interrogation room. He didn't need her there. He had _never_ needed her there.

She glanced at her watch and saw that it was already 8:10 p.m. Maybe if she called now, she could still reach Jax. He wouldn't leave her- he was always there when she needed him. She searched for her phone and finally located it when she heard it ringing. "Hello?" she said hopefully, wishing it was Jax on the other end of the line. Her heart dropped when it wasn't Jax.

It was Carly and she wanted to know if Courtney would go to Morgan's birthday party tomorrow. She really would go but she knew that she had promised Jax first- and right now, she really wanted to be with him, to hear him talk in his sexy accent, for him to make her feel better about herself. She tried to decline but the sadness in Carly's voice stopped her. Her best friend was obviously distressed about the conflict between her father and her husband. She was also extremely upset about Jason's detainment in relation to the shooting. She glanced at her watch again. Jax had to be gone by now. She struck a deal with Carly- she would stay for the birthday party if she could use Sonny's plane to leave for Bermuda tomorrow. Carly was wary but when Courtney refused to answer her questions, she willingly agreed. She called Jax but only got his voice mail. She left a message, promising to meet him tomorrow. She hoped he wasn't too frustrated with her.


	3. Chapter 3

Jax downed his twelfth tequila shot and felt his head pounding angrily in protest. His tried to open his eyes and find the bartender to order another one but his vision blurred. He shook his head and it cleared somewhat, the pounding in his head slowing progressively. He wiped his mouth with his hand clumsily and tried to straighten up. He felt someone sit down next to him and dragged his eyes over to see who it was.

"Hello, stranger," a soft feminine voice beckoned to him. He looked up and felt temporarily disoriented when there was two blurry shadows in front of him. He shook his head again and the two shapes melded into one- a gorgeous blonde was looking down at him, her blue eyes glowing with amusement. "Hi," he mumbled, sitting up and resting his forehead on his hand. "Drinking alone? That's no fun," the woman teased, laughing. Jax felt his heart drop into his stomach- when she smiled, an adorable dimple peeked on her left cheek. Courtney had the same dimple. Come to think of it- Courtney had the same luxurious blonde mane and baby blue eyes. And this woman was wearing a deep red dress, the same exact color as the one Courtney had been wearing on the plane before he got arrested. The thought of her painfully wrenched his heart and he turned away, signaling the bartender for another three shots.

"I hope one of those are for me," she pouted, touching his arm. He took another shot and glanced back at her again. Her body was arranged in a fetching position, offering him the perfect view of her breasts underneath her low cut neckline. He looked away again. She may look like Courtney but her demeanor was completely different. She continued tugging at his sleeve and he finally nodded, pushing a shot glass towards her. In his inebriated state, he spilled some onto his own hand. She leaned down and slowly ran her delicate tongue along the trail of tequila on his fingers. He felt a jolt of desire and when he raised his eyes to hers, she was staring down at him, her soft mouth smiling invitingly. Keeping her eyes on him the entire time, she slowly reached down for another shot of tequila and drank it swiftly, running her tongue seductively over her full lips.

_God, she makes me miss Courtney_, he thought viciously. The bartender raised his eyebrows appreciatively when the blonde leaned down and traced her tongue around the corner of his mouth and expertly brushed her lips against his. He smelled the blast of tequila and was not sure if it was coming from him or from her.

"I am _very_ attracted to you," she whispered, taking in his handsome face. She had noticed him the minute she entered the room, had taken a liking to his tall frame and tousled blonde hair. She did not even have to see his face to know that this was one gorgeous man. And probably rich beyond measurement. Which didn't matter, since she was extremely wealthy herself. What she wanted was entertainment and she was willing to bet a large sum of money that this was the man to give it to her. No doubt he was good in bed- how could he not, she knew he must have had a lot of practice. Not that he needed any. She was certain this man was a born natural. "Well?" she asked alluringly when he didn't respond. "I'm not interested," he mumbled, pushing her away and standing up haphazardly as he made his way blindly out of the bar. "Your credit card sir!" the bartender yelled after him but Jax didn't care as he stumbled out of the room. The blonde looked down at his card and her lips quirked into a smile.

He made his way to the elevator and peered at it stupidly. He finally located the button and tried to slam his finger against it but he missed. "Damn it!" he swore angrily. "Allow me," the same feminine voice said as a long lacquered red nail daintily pushed the button. She looked down as he slumped against the elevator door. For some unknown reason, his ability to resist her even when he was drunk out of his mind intrigued her. She had _definitely_ made the right choice for entertainment with Jasper Jacks.

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"Thanks for coming," Carly said genuinely as she let Courtney into the penthouse. "Sure, no problem," Courtney tried to say brightly but Carly heard the dejection in her voice. "If you don't want to be here, it's okay," she told her. Courtney looked up at her in surprise and said honestly, "You know I love Morgan, Carly, and I love you too. Of course I want to be here." Carly saw the sincereness in her eyes and immediately felt contrite. "Sorry, I overreacted. You know me, that's what I do," she said, trying to joke about it.

Courtney gave her a small smile and sat down on the couch. Carly was not immune to her best friend's melancholy behavior so she asked casually, "Are you going to tell me what's wrong or do I have to drag it out of you?" She saw her best friend sigh and rub her eyes tiredly. She hadn't noticed it when Courtney first walked in, but she was a lot paler than normal and her eyes lacked their usual luster. "You can tell me," Carly said gently, wrapping her arm around her best friend. She had been so caught up with her father and all the implications that came along with it that she realized now guiltily that she hadn't been a very good friend.

"It's nothing," Courtney lied. Carly gave her a pointed look that said she didn't believe her. "I'm going to keep pestering you until you spill, that's what I do best," she assured her. Courtney didn't know what to say to Carly. Did Carly even like Jax? Carly always wanted her to get back with Jason. She wasn't sure if she could handle that today. She looked at her best friend and realized that it would feel so good to tell someone her problems. She finally told Carly the entire story, from Jax's arrest up to seeing Sam at the PCPD with Jason. "So Jax is in Bermuda and you're going to meet him after Morgan's party?" Carly asked. Courtney nodded slowly. "Do you think he's angry?" Carly asked hesitantly. She may not like Jax, but it seems to her that Courtney was the one to blame in this situation. "Do you think he is?" Courtney asked tentatively.

As much as it killed her to side against her best friend, Carly felt like Courtney deserved an honest opinion. "Look, I'm no fan of Jax and you know that. I realize that I've been trying to get you back with Jason but if this whole entire situation with my father taught me anything, it is that we cannot let others decide what is best for us. It is our life and our choices. The lines are never clear cut and easy to define. Everybody tells me that John is bad for me and that all I am going to end up with is heartbreak but I need to figure that out on my own. And I think that if you really care about Jax, you need to figure it out yourself," Carly tried to say fairly.

Courtney looked at her best friend in surprise. Carly rarely said anything rational when it came to making a choice between someone else and Sonny and Jason. Her loyalty to them was fierce but today, she had actually sounded as if she was telling Courtney to let Jason go. "Jax is probably very upset that I stayed in Port Charles instead of going to Bermuda with him," Courtney admitted. Carly stared at her confused face and said firmly, "Sweetie, you stayed because of Jason and he is _still_ keeping Sam with him. You have to make a decision, either you want to stay and fight for Jason or not. It's as simple as that." But it wasn't as simple as that. Because it was no longer a single question of whether or not she wanted to stay and fight for Jason. She now also had to answer the question of whether or not she wanted to go and fight for Jax.


	4. Chapter 4

"My name is Darian," the blonde offered gamely as she watched Jax fumble in his pockets, looking for the card key to his room. "That's an interesting name," he finally said, trying to steady himself when the room began to spin. "What's yours?" she asked, her blue eyes following his shoddy movements. "Jap... Jack... Jasper," he finally managed to say, holding onto the doorway to balance himself. "Just as interesting, just like I suspected," she said aloud to herself.

Darian smiled and watched him in fascination. She had wanted his body at first but now she was more enthralled with his mind. What could cause this one muscular, extremely attractive man to seek comfort in alcohol and not give a damn about an inviting, beautiful woman who was obviously very willing to pleasure him? She reached out a hand and lifted his chin up until she was looking right into this eyes- interesting shade of blue they were. And extremely filled with hurt. _Ah, a woman_, she realized with a twinge of disappointment. She had thought him beyond that, she had figured _him_ to be the heartbreaker. She marveled at the stupidity of a woman who would let this man slip out of her grasp. Perhaps he was unintelligent and boring? He didn't seem to be.

With renewed determination, she set out to discover all the intricacies of Jasper Jacks. Sliding her hand deliberately down his chest until she reached his belt buckle, she teasingly left her hand there a moment longer than necessary and finally reached behind him to his back pocket. Letting her hand drift over his smooth behind, she finally yanked out his wallet and searched for the card key. Typical of a wealthy man- his wallet was filled to capacity with cash and credit cards. The key card stuck out like a sore thumb, the only card that wasn't a shiny gold or platinum silver. She swiftly inserted the card as he stared at her, pushing open the door. "Come on, handsome, let me show you what I can do," she whispered thickly into his ear as she pulled him inside.

"Go away," Jax said frustratingly, wiping his hand over his eyes to clear his vision. Why was that woman- Darian- why was she even here? God, just leave him alone. That's all he wanted to do- be alone and wallow in his own misery. No, he didn't want that. He didn't want to be miserable anymore. He wanted to be happy, damn it. He wanted to stop seeing Courtney's damn face flashing through his mind. What the hell was he doing anyway? He had only been seeing her for six months. Why was it affecting him so much? He liked her, yes. But he was making too big of a deal out of this, he was taking this way too damn hard and it irritated him. He tried to move over to the bed but tripped over his own foot and fell with a resounding thud onto the floor.

"Ugh," he groaned, clutching his head agony. Darian walked over to the mini bar, popped open a small bottle of vodka and drank some, reveling in the smooth burning path it traveled down from her throat into the center of her stomach. She walked over to the window and stared outside at the magnificent view. She changed her mind. This man was not only wealthy, he was _very_ wealthy. Turning around, she watched him in silence as he rolled over and struggled to get up on all four. _My God, he is a miserable man_, she thought to herself. Finally, she walked over to him and tried to help him up. He forcefully pushed her hand away and reached blindly for anything to help him regain his balance. She decided to forgive him for his rudeness and helped him onto the bed. He automatically rolled over flat on his back and sighed heavily.

Darian watched the tensed lines on his forehead smooth out for a minute before he winced again, as if he just had a bad thought. Perhaps it was her freakish need to psychoanalyze anyone she met that garnered her interest or perhaps it was a need to slightly mollify her bruised ego that this man was not the slightest bit enthused about her offer for an entire night of hot sex but she decided that she would not take advantage of him. Darian Rousse rarely got rejected and when she did, she usually found a way to make the man pay for it. However, this man struck a sensitive cord in her. Perhaps it was because he reminded her of herself only two months ago, trying to drink away her depression over a person who was not worth the time.

She sat next to him on the bed and remarked observingly, "She did a real number on you." Jax tried to open his eyes but the bright lights hurt him so he automatically shut them again. "Which one?" he asked ironically, and then laughed hollowly at his own pathetic state. She reached over to turn off the light and felt his body relax slightly as darkness encompassed the room. _The plot thickens. There is more than one_, she thought to herself. "Which one do you want to tell me about?" she asked, taking another drink of vodka. "I don't want to talk about it!" he yelled harshly and then covered his ears when the sound of his voice seemed to resonate within the confines of his head. Darian shivered slightly at his tone of voice. She did _so_ enjoy a man when he was angry. Bending down, she slowly kissed him and moved her lips provocatively in a manner that encouraged him to kiss her back. But the man simply laid there, indifferent to her searing kisses. She straightened back up and stared down at him, her fascination now more than doubled. She was not offended in the least, which surprised her. Instead, she asked him, "Do I kiss better than her?" Jax grabbed a pillow and held it against his head, willing her to go away. When he heard her muffled speech continuing above him, he decided that if asking her nicely wasn't going to work, then perhaps being a jerk would. "No, you don't," he said flatly, removing the pillow and staring into the dark. The room had finally stopped spinning but he still felt weak and stagnant.

Darian realized what he was trying to do and smiled to herself. It really was a shame she was more intrigued with his mind than his body at the moment. "What's her name?" she asked. Sensing that she wasn't going to go away, he said, "BrendaCourtney." She raised her eyebrows and looked down to see the moonlight revealing his face. "Brenda? Or Courtney?" she asked. Jax rolled over so that his back was to her and stared at the wall. "Both," he replied bitterly. "Go on," she said invitingly, stretching out so that she was laying side by side with him. "What the hell do you care? It's none of your damned business!" he said vehemently. "I make it my business when you reject me for it!" she replied calmly.

Angrily turning around, he glared straight into her eyes and said loudly, "You want to know what the hell happened? You want to hear why I was trying to drink myself into oblivion? Let me tell you why! I loved Brenda with all my heart but she broke it repeatedly when she kept going back to Sonny! Do you know who Sonny Corinthos is? He is a bastard mobster who does nothing but hurt those around him! She kept going back until he drove her insane! And I still tried to be her friend, I kept doing whatever I could for her and she finally got better. And you know what she finally did? She _finally_ told me she chose me. And I believed her, with my heart and soul because I couldn't believe that she could look at me with those beautiful brown eyes of hers like that and be lying to me! We were supposed to start a new life, a _happy_ life, I was supposed to finally get my happy life! And then her crazy mother came to town and drove them both off a cliff! And it's like I died with her. There was no light. There was no happiness, there was only a numbing pain that refused to go away. I tried to go on, but inside I was dying each day. Oh, there were other women. Chloe, Skye... even V and Alexis. I cared about all of them but none of them made me feel the way Brenda did! None of them made me feel alive, made me feel like my heart was whole again. They all filled tiny pieces of it but it was never _complete_. I gave up, damn it, I gave up and I swore to myself never to fall in love again. And then she came back, she wasn't dead. She had just kept it a secret because she told me she was thinking of what's best for me. Told me she had the same genetic disease as her mother and she didn't want to hurt me. I didn't care! It hurt me one thousand times worse that she knew I was out there, trying to get by each day, trying to deal with her death and she was alive the entire time! She finally came back and we were going to get married and you know what she did? She spent the night before our wedding kissing that damn Corinthos again! You know who I found that out from? Corinthos' own wife! That's right, my fiancé and Carly's husband were kissing the night before _our_ wedding. I waited and I waited for her to tell me. I just wanted her to trust me enough to tell me the truth but she never did! I finally confronted her in front of everyone during the ceremony!" he yelled, his eyes blurring up.

Darian sat muted, shocked at his anguished tirade. She had absolutely no idea his problems were so severe. She was about to say something when he spoke again. But this time, his voice was uncharacteristically sad and tinged with more than a little regret.

"I did it in front of everybody. Sonny left her at the alter once and I saw what it did to her. I honestly didn't want to ask her in front of anyone. I wanted her to tell me on her own but she never did. And it wasn't until she spoke her vows as if she really meant it that it drove me mad. I couldn't believe she could stand there and swear to be my wife, to honor me with truth and respect, when she was lying to me. She was so angry that day. I'll never forget the look of hurt and betrayal in her eyes. B-Because it was exactly what I was feeling in my heart. God, I loved her so much but when she left me, I couldn't blame her. We had done each other wrong, we couldn't go back," he finished faintly, wiping the tears from his eyes. "And Courtney..." Darian tried to ask but was stopped when Jax savagely swore and said, "I don't _want_ to talk about her!"

Was it her imagination or did Jasper Jacks seem even angrier now than earlier? Was it even possible? "Why not?" she asked matter-of-factly. "I just don't, so drop it!" he yelled venomously. _So Brenda is not the one who has got him riled up like this, Courtney is_, Darian concluded. He was hurt about the brunette but it was obvious he had come to terms with it. Courtney was his current weakness.

She noticed that the sky outside was beginning to lighten. Dawn was approaching. She looked down and saw that he was breathing heavily and holding his hands to the side of his head. The alcohol was doing its worst to him. Feeling a little bit sorry for him after his woeful tale, she stood up and tried to push him up further so that he could at least lay on a pillow. He lurched when she touched him and she was once again amazed at his adverse reaction. Whoever these two women were, they had done a successful job at turning him off of women. Well, at least temporarily. She doubted that this virile man would ever be able to stay away from the female sex forever. She tried to roll him over and he struggled. She saw his eyes squint and his face turn a sick green. She knew what was going to happen and tried to jump out of the way but was not quick enough. He leaned over and threw up on the side of the bed, effectively getting some on her red dress as well as on his own shirt. She stepped back and watched as he coughed and sputtered.

"Feel better?" she asked dryly and closed her eyes in disgust when he flopped back onto the bed. "You're damn lucky your sad little tale entertained my psychoanalysis mind tonight or I'd leave you here to tend for yourself!" she told him as she picked up the phone and sent for someone to come clean up the mess. A minute later, there was a light knock on the door as a janitor made his way in. He worked quickly and efficiently so she reached for Jasper's wallet and tipped him nicely. She fluttered her fingers in a wave as he made his exit and turned her gaze downward at the man on the bed. She refused to go anywhere smelling like this so she deftly pulled off his shirt and pants, tossing them onto the armchair. She stripped out of her own dress and dug through his closet for a shirt she could borrow. Finally settling on a light blue button down collared shirt and a pair of his boxers, she sauntered into the bathroom to take a shower.


	5. Chapter 5

Courtney walked through the hotel lobby breathlessly, finally reaching the front desk. "Hi, I'm looking for Jasper Jacks," she told the woman at the counter. She looked around and took in the beautiful decor. It was as if she had been transported to an amazing rainforest, even the air smelled more crisp. The woman told her the room number for Jax and Courtney carried her suitcase towards the elevator.

After a long night of thinking and the talk she had with Carly, she had decided to come and be with Jax. Jason didn't need her and she had to make peace with that. Jax made her happy and he was always there for her, always patient. She knew he would forgive her for being late but that he would understand. Jax always understood for her. That was one of the things she loved most about him. He always thought about her feelings first and she appreciated that. She realized now just how important that was to her- to be a priority to someone, to have some proud of her. She smiled to herself as she stepped into the elevator. She was going to make it up to Jax. She was going to surprise him. She was ready to make love with him. She wanted it and she knew he wanted it. There was nothing stopping them now.

The elevator doors opened and she stepped out, looking left and right to read the room numbers. She looked down at the key card she had gotten at the counter. She was surprised that the woman had given it to her but apparently Jax's reservation still said that there were two guests in his room, and that one of them was Courtney Matthews. She hoped that meant that he was still expecting her and that he wasn't angry. Biting her lower lip in anticipation, she tried to imagine his face lighting up when he saw her. He always did that and it never failed to make her spine tingle. She slid the card key into his door and opened it quietly. It was early morning and she saw a huge lump in bed.

_How cute is he_, she thought happily to herself as she tiptoed over to him. She gazed down fondly at his handsome profile and noticed that he slept with his shirt off. His chest was broad and muscular, tanned from his outdoor activities. She put her suitcase down and slowly began taking off her outer shirt. She leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, startled when he smelled heavily of tequila. "Jax?" she asked uncertainly.

Jax thought he must be dreaming. Did he just hear Courtney call his name? God, he loved how his name sounded when it came from her lips. _No, you fool, she is in Port Charles_, he reminded himself bitterly. But there was no mistaking the gentle shaking that was causing his head to throb achingly. "Stop," he mumbled and felt it cease. He opened his eyes slowly, shading his eyes from the sunlight. "Courtney?" he asked in disbelief. She smiled her enchanting smile at him and said, "Hey you." She climbed into bed with him and leaned down again to press a kiss on his lips, leaving them there a second longer than he anticipated and said, "Did you get my message?" Jax shook his head to try and clear his mind. "What message?" he asked in confusion. "The message I left you yesterday. I said that I was going to Morgan's birthday party but that I would meet you here," she replied, playfully mussing up his hair. He winced in pain and she felt a brief feeling of apprehension. "What's going on?" she asked, leaning back slightly and taking in his disoriented form.

"Are you finally awake?" Darian called out as she whisked out of the bathroom, clad in his dress shirt and drying her hair with a towel. She stopped mid stride and stared at the couple in bed. Courtney felt her heart break into a million pieces as she took in the other woman. She was blonde, blue-eyed, voluptuous and completely breath-taking. She turned back to Jax and stared at him in silence, her eyes filling up with tears. She could not believe that she trusted this man with her heart, had believed him incapable of hurting her. She leapt out of bed as he tried to grab her hand. "Courtney..." Jax started but she glared at him, her eyes wild with anger and disappointment. "Have fun, Jax," she said scathingly as she grabbed her shirt and her suitcase. "No, it's not what you-"Jax tried to say but it was too late. Courtney was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

"That was... entertaining," Darian said wryly as she walked over to him. "What the hell happened?" he asked, sitting up and trying to shake away his hangover. She considered toying with his emotions for a bit of fun but after hearing him talk last night, she didn't have the heart to do it. Now she knew why he had looked at her with such anger and sadness last night. It was because she looked exactly like Courtney, who she assumed was the pretty blonde who had just left in a rage. "Nothing. I offered myself to you for enjoyment, you were too depressed to take me up on it, I helped you upstairs, you told me all about your sordid and horribly entangled love life, and then you threw up. All over your shirt and my dress. So I kindly helped you out of your clothes and took a shower," she said honestly, watching his expression go from worried to relief. She smiled and said dryly, "I have never seen a man more happy that he _didn't_ sleep with me."

He looked at her apologetically and tried to apologize but she stopped him. "Aren't you going to go after her?" she asked. Jax finally settled down and all the memories came flooding back to him. Courtney staying in Port Charles, Courtney refusing to come with him, Courtney telling him she would only miss him as a friend. He shrugged and sat back against the headboard. "No," he said, but there was remorse tinted in his voice. Darian looked at his dejected form and her temper finally got the better of her. "Look, you absolutely refused to tell me what the hell happened to you and this Courtney character even though I tried my damned hardest to get you!" she yelled angrily. He looked at her in shock. "What the hell does it matter to you?" he asked.

She took a deep breath and said, "I like to psychoanalyze people and you were a worthy test subject, which is why I stayed up talking to you rather than sexing you up." His eyes finally lit up with amusement as he said, "So you're _that_ type." Her eyes swerved to his face and she reluctantly admitted to herself that this man was probably a hell of a lot more interesting and intelligent than she gave him credit for. It really was a shame. "She obviously came all the way here to be with you and I can tell by your pathetic complaints last night about how woebegone your life is that you wanted to be with her. You're just going to let her leave like that?" she asked, coming over to sit on the bed.

"She doesn't want to be with me, she made that perfectly clear yesterday when she decided to stay in town with her ex," Jax said flatly. "That's Brenda?" Darian asked, remembering her having dark hair. "No, that's Courtney," he answered, climbing gingerly out of bed. Darian worked her mind quickly and finally figured it out. So that's why he was so embittered and miserable. It hadn't just happened _once_, it had happened _twice_. Her memory flashed back to the wounded look in the other blonde's eyes earlier. That was not the look of a woman who didn't love this man. She knew it all too well- because just two months earlier, Darian Rousse had that same exact look in her eyes. She sighed. She had no reason whatsoever to help these two people. She would be better off trying to fix her own life so that she didn't feel the need to spend every night looking for a new warm body to occupy her bed. But when she looked at them, she felt their pain and suffering. She knew what it was like and she wished that she hadn't been so alone back when it was happening to her.

"She loves you," Darian said quietly. "No, she loves _Jason_ and she always will," he spat out. "If she loved Jason, she wouldn't have come all the way to Bermuda!" Darian argued. Jax felt a flicker of hope at her words. "She didn't have her outer shirt on and she climbed into bed with you. That is not the action of a woman who wasn't getting ready to pounce on you. Trust me, I know how my sex works," she told him confidently. She saw the slight yielding in the man's eyes and smiled. "You already gave up one love- I don't think your scarred heart can give up another without a fight, right?" she asked, staring at him.


	7. Chapter 7

Courtney could not believe the _nerve_ of Jasper Jacks to invite her to Bermuda, to make it sound as if she was the only one he wanted to be there with, and then to shack up with the next available body because she showed up a day late! And to add insult to injury, that woman had looked a hell of a lot like herself! "If he thinks he can replace me so easily, then he thought wrong! I'm not something you can use when you want to and then throw away when you're done with me!" she said angrily to herself.

"What did you say?" Diego asked, coming into the kitchen and watching her curiously. "Nothing," she said quickly, turning away so that he wouldn't see her puffy red eyes. She had spent the entire plane trip back crying her eyes out for being so stupid to fall for Jasper Jacks' slick moves. She knew what he was like, had warned herself in the beginning, Hell, everyone else did too but did she listen? No! She had thought him different and this is what she gets. She had thought she felt miserable yesterday seeing Jason with Sam but today was a thousand times worse. Her heart broke when she saw that blonde walk out of the shower. _He didn't even seem excited to see me_, she thought painfully to herself. She quickly wiped her eyes as she felt the tears starting to fall again. Sniffling, she resumed cleaning up the kitchen.

Diego watched her nervously. He had no idea what to do with sensitive women, and especially not when they were crying. But Courtney Matthews had been extremely kind to him and he didn't want to see her like this. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly. Courtney turned and flashed him a tearful smile. "Thanks Diego, but I will be fine. Don't worry about it," she said reassuringly, even though her heart told her that it was going to take a _very_ long time to get over Jasper Jacks. She didn't know why she felt that way but she knew it was true. She wasn't going to have someone there making her days bright and cheery anymore and she was going to have to deal with that. She was going to have to do it herself. _But I don't know how_, she thought brokenly. Her eyes welled up again as the tears began falling freely. She covered her face with her hands and wept. She missed Jax.

Diego didn't know what to say so he walked over and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm not trying to make a move, I promise," he said jokingly and she laughed through her tears. "Who hurt you? Why are you so sad?" he asked, feeling a sudden surge of protection. Courtney hadn't given up on him or kicked him out when he deserved it. She was a good, kind person and whoever did this to her was going to have to answer to him.

There was a knock on the door and Courtney extracted herself from his arms and wiped her face. "Can you answer that? I'm going to clean myself up real quick," she said as he nodded. He watched her walk into the bathroom and went to open the door, coming face to face with Jax. "What are you doing here?" Diego asked, annoyed that this man was showing up again. "I'm looking for Courtney," Jax said quietly.

Diego stared at him in shock because it was the first time Jax had spoken to him without any annoyance in his voice. "She's in the bathroom cleaning her face," Diego told him and he stepped aside to let Jax in. "That's probably my fault," Jax replied regretfully. Diego's eyes flared in anger as it finally hit him that Jax was to blame for Courtney's misery. "It's your fault she's been crying her eyes out ever since she got home this morning?" Diego demanded, clenching his fist. "It's a misunderstanding," Jax explained. "I don't believe you! You hurt her when she's done nothing but be nice to you!" Diego yelled, pushing Jax back. Jax stared at his irate face and tried to say calmly, "I didn't-" but Diego pushed him harder this time, forcing him to take a few steps back. "Look, okay, you don't know what the hell you're doing," Jax said, beginning to get frustrated. "I know that you don't care about her, all you want is to sleep with her!" Diego yelled recklessly. His words sparked anger in Jax. "I care too damn much!" he yelled back, unable to stand the being accused of not caring about her. "Like hell you do!" Diego yelled and before Jax knew what was happening, he had thrown a punch that landed squarely in Jax's jaw. With lightening fast reaction, Jax felt his fist swing in a wide arc and connected right in the center of Diego's stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

"Jax, what the hell do you think you're doing!" Courtney screamed as she ran over to pick up Diego from the floor. "Are you okay?" she asked in concern as Diego looked up at Jax in contempt. "He hit me like a man so I hit him like a bigger man," Jax said, but couldn't help feeling guilty at what he had done. Diego's punch had landed painfully and for a split second, Jax had forgotten that he was a mere seventeen year old. His reflex had taken over and he had punched back. He was angry now that he couldn't control his temper. "I apologize," he said quietly as Diego stood up and continued to glare at him. "You deserve that punch, you hurt her!" he said contemptuously. "That's enough!" Courtney interceded, looking at the both of them. "Diego, I need to speak with Jax alone," she said and took out some money from her purse, handing it to him. "Take this and go grab us some dinner at Kelly's," she ordered and watched him rake one last accusing look at Jax before leaving.


	8. Chapter 8

"I want you to get the hell out of here and never speak to me again!" Courtney hissed angrily as soon as the door closed. She could not believe his arrogance for showing up at her loft. Did he think he could just explain and make everything okay? That she was going to forgive him for sleeping with another woman? She made an excuse for Jason when he lied to her about sleeping with Sam but she realized how foolish she had been. She was not going to do the same for Jax!

"I want to explain-"Jax began but she slapped him hard across the face. "There is nothing to explain! You got my message but you decided to sleep with someone else anyway instead of waiting for me! I just wasn't _worth_ your time, was I, Jasper Jacks? I knew you would leave once the bet was over, I just don't know why you bothered to tell me all those things about falling in love with me if you never meant it! During the stupid bet, all you wanted was to get me to sleep with you and even after it, that's all you wanted!" she ranted bitterly, her anger mounting as each word came out of her mouth.

Jax felt a muscle moving spasmodically in his cheek as he listened to her unfair words. "I didn't sleep with her but that's beside the point! What if I did? How the hell was I supposed to know it even mattered to you what I did? You _chose_ to stay here with Jason, you don't get to make me feel like the bad person for leaving you behind!" he spat out hurtfully. "He is my ex-husband! I will always care for him! I couldn't very well leave him when the reason he's in jail is because of me!" she argued, stalking around the room. "I am so _sick_ and _tired_ of that line! Skye is my ex-wife and I will always care for her! I don't care if you stayed because you were worried about your _friend_. But that isn't the case! You have repeatedly told me that you will always be connected to him, that you will never be indifferent to him, that a part of you still _loved_ him! You cannot expect me to just sit there and lay my heart on the line when you can't do the same for me!" he yelled, clenching his fists in frustration.

"I can't help it, I feel like I hurt him! Do you know how guilty I feel that our marriage didn't work out? How awful it is knowing that I lost our baby? That's the reason we couldn't stay together!" she cried, her eyes welling up with tears again. "It is _not_ your fault that you lost your baby! Nobody knows what's going to occur at any given time, accidents happen! Your marriage failed because you fell in love with a vision of Jason Morgan, but you couldn't deal with the reality of him! You abhor the mob, you loathe violence! You can't stay in that relationship and make it work because it defies the very morals that make you who you are! It isn't wrong but if you keep blaming yourself for it, you will never be free!" Jax rambled furiously.

Courtney felt as if he just slapped her. "I went after you! I saw Sam and Jason at the PCPD and I realized that he didn't need me anymore," she said, feeling drained. "That's great, you saw him with another woman so you decided that I was a better choice, is that it?" he asked sarcastically. This time, she felt as if he had reached inside her chest and yanked her heart out. "That is not what happened," she whispered in horror when she saw that he truly believed it. He saw the shock and hurt on her face and felt as if someone was slowly tightening a noose around his neck. Jax reached his hand behind his neck and tried to rub out some of the tensed muscles there. Courtney finally saw the dark circles under his eyes, the stubble on his chin and the haggard look on his face.

"Why would you think such a terrible thing?" she asked quietly. "Because you did it before. That night in the gazebo, you came to me and told me you saw Sam and Jason at the hospital and although you felt sorry for them, you knew it had nothing to do with you. You looked radiant that night- because you felt liberated," he replied, running a hand through his messy hair. "But?" she asked, feeling as if he had more to say. "But since then, every time that something happens to Jason, you still rush to his side," Jax told her sadly. "He's my friend," Courtney said, staring at him. "No, he's not. You can't be free of him. You can't open your heart to anyone else. I know that now. You will always love Jason. I don't even know why I tried so damned hard, it was futile," he said flatly and stood up. "Why can't you try to understand for me? I am trying to move on but it's hard okay? I don't know how to progress. I went from loving AJ straight to falling in love with Jason. I've never had time to deal with it, time to move on. I'm trying my best," she said, willing him to see where she was coming from.

Jax looked at her beautiful face and felt regret wash over him. He wanted her so bad. But he couldn't have her. "I do understand for you Courtney. I've been as patient as I have ever been, I've been your friend throughout this entire ordeal. We may have started out over a silly little bet but it became serious very quickly. I saw that you were like Brenda in some ways, the way you both loved people without reservation. You love recklessly. I warned myself to stay away, I told myself not to do this again. I couldn't bear to be a part of some contrived triangle anymore, I couldn't play the role of second best. I've told you countless times before but I don't think you ever _really_ heard me. Brenda hurt me and in turn, I hurt her. I don't ever admit it, but no matter how hard I try to hide from love, the promise of it always lures me out. I know it hurts to play with fire but I do it anyway because I can't help but believe that life cannot be this cruel. I thought I could be happy with you. The light went out of my life when things ended with Brenda. I thought I lost the only chance at love when I lost her. But then you came into my life and I thought things were different. You made me smile and laugh in a way that I hadn't thought was possible again. You made it a beautiful thing to wake up every morning instead of something to be angry about. You made me _trust_ you even though I didn't want to, even though I knew that you probably would never be over Jason. But you told me you were, you made me _believe_ it. I- I told you that I thought I was falling in love with you but I was lying. I've already _fallen_. I- **I love you **and I hate what you do to me. I hate how you make me feel when I see you running to Jason. I hate how you make me think that I can be happy. I hate you how made me believe in love again," he said brokenly, his own eyes welling up when he saw her tears streaming down her face. He walked dejectedly to the door and opened it. Turning back to her, he said achingly, "I hate how you hurt me. But most of all- I hate how you never even know you did it. You worry about how you make Jason feel but the entire time, you never bothered to even see what you're doing to me. And that hurts me the most. I- I can't do this anymore, I can't keep doing this to myself. Good-bye, Courtney."

His heart broke when he finally turned his back on her and walked out the door, leaving Courtney there sobbing fitfully to herself. "**I love you **too, Jax," she whispered brokenly as she watched the door slam shut on the best thing in her life.


	9. Chapter 9

It had been three hours since Jax left but Courtney still sat slumped on the ground, her back to the couch. Her tears had finally subsided and now she sat there numbly, staring blindly into the darkness that seemed to surround her. Each word Jax had spoken to her cut through her heart viciously. The memory of his handsome face, so sad and hurt, made whatever was left of her heart ache and her eyes well up again. She felt her tears threatening to overspill and gave in, shutting her eyes and letting them fall freely. She covered her face with her hands and wept without restraint, more miserable and lonely than she had ever felt before.

She had finally done it- she had pushed Jax away one too many times and he was gone forever. She tried to be angry with him, tried to be upset that he had given up on her so easily. But in her heart of hearts, the truth rang with painstaking clarity. She had never given Jax anything substantial to give up in the first place. He wanted a relationship and she never fully committed herself to him. She did this, it was all her fault. She had no one else to blame but herself and the realization of that painful truth cut through her heart again and she felt sick to her stomach. "Oh, God..." she cried, turning her face into the couch cushion and tried to push all the agonizing memories out of her head.

Carly slowly opened the door and blinked several times to try to adjust to the darkness. "Courtney?" she called out, stepping cautiously inside and looking around. She finally heard muffled crying near the couch and felt a sharp stab of alarm when she turned on the lights and saw Courtney's slackened form on the ground. "Oh my- are you okay?" she asked worriedly, running over to her and kneeling down, taking in Courtney's pale face and red eyes. Silently, Courtney shook her head heartbreakingly and tears began streaming down her face again.

Carly had never seen Courtney this defeated. The closest memory she could conjure up was when Courtney had told her that her and Jason's divorce had been finalized. But even then, the regret in her eyes had been mingled with determination because she had resolved that she had done what was best. This time- there was no determination. There wasn't even anger or bitterness. There was only a wealth of sadness and pain.

"What- what happened, sweetie?" Carly asked tentatively, even though she already knew Jax was the reason behind her misery. What she didn't know was what he had done to have evoked such a severe reaction. She had been surprised as hell when Lucas showed up at the hospital with Diego in tow because she knew they hated each other. But her annoyance with the kid had subsided when she realized he had sacrificed his pride by seeking out Lucas to locate her. Apparently, Courtney and Jax had undergone a massive falling out and he was worried that she would do something stupid. Now that Carly was here, she didn't think Courtney could even garner enough energy to _plot_ something irrational.

Courtney remained silent, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Carly tried to touch her but Courtney flinched, causing Carly's anxiousness to double. Carly finally gave up and simply sat down next to her. Silently, she wrapped a consoling arm around her shoulder and felt her own eyes tear up when Courtney turned her face into her shoulder and cried in earnest. She did not want to see her best friend hurt like this at all. "I- I messed up, C-Carly," she finally whispered miserably, trying to control her ragged breathing. "What do you mean?" Carly asked, lightly stroking her hair in comfort. "Jax... oh, God, Carly- Jax is gone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself and letting that realization sink in once more. Carly heard the hopelessness in her voice and grew increasingly angry. "What do you mean? He left you? Why would he do that? See, I knew Jax was no good!" she said, frustrated that she had done wrong in encouraging Courtney to make her own decisions. "No," Courtney said softly. "No?" Carly asked in confusion. "No, he had every right," Courtney admitted sadly. They sat in silence for several minutes until Courtney finally managed to control her tears. But she was back to being numb again. When she spoke, her voice was flat.

"I-I don't know why I did it, Carly. Jax was in front of me this whole time, he helped me when I asked and even when I didn't ask, he made me laugh, he made me smile, he made it _okay_ to not have Jason in my life. No, he didn't just make it okay- he made it _more_ than that. He showed me what it was like to feel free- to realize I was going to make it through my sadness, to know that I had the strength to be happy again. No matter how harsh I got with him, no matter how many times I put down his character and marked him as shallow, spoiled and arrogant... he- he never gave up on me. He'd be right there again the very next day, still trying, still proving to me that he believed I was worth the effort. I didn't take notice, I didn't realize..." she trailed off painfully, her eyes blurring.

"Realize what?" Carly asked softly, for the first time trying to understand the relationship between Courtney and Jax. "I didn't realize that it wasn't only my will and determination that was helping me move on- it was _Jax_ who was putting out his own strength to help me. Do you know how many times I kept trying to go to Jason's rescue and he didn't need me? Do you know that each time I felt that rejection from Jason, I would sit there and wallow in my own misery because I couldn't understand, _refused_ to understand, why he didn't appreciate me? And do you know- do you know that each time I did that, I never even _once_ thought about Jax's feelings? Every time he tried to tell me about it, I would brush him off and tell him that a part of me will always love Jason as if that justified my actions. God, Carly, I wanted him to understand for me but I never even _once_ tried to understand for him," she finished achingly, disgusted with herself. "You couldn't help it, you loved Jason with all your heart and you guys broke up. You have a right to feel sad!" Carly said loyally.

"But I don't have a right to treat Jax like he was nothing but a pair of comforting arms! I can't flirt with him and tell him I have feelings for him but then treat him like an afterthought! It's not fair but it's what I did! Oh, God, he's been through this before, Carly. He's been through this with Brenda. I- I know because he told me about it once. He was so bitter and sad that day, and that's what made me see a different side of him. I- I felt connected to him because I felt the same way. He told me that he went into that relationship with her giving his everything and in the end, all he got was nothing. He- he got the same raw deal from me... I didn't even _know_ I was doing it to him. He told me he thought he was falling in love with me, he wanted to know how I felt about him and I told him I would miss him as a _friend_. I was scared and I lied to him to push him away. And he _still_ didn't leave me, he still believed in _us_. We- we were supposed to go to Bermuda together, we were supposed to start our relationship and then I disappointed him once again because I stupidly thought Jason needed me. I put my life on hold, I put _Jax_ on hold, and in the end- it was all for nothing. Jason doesn't need me- he _never_ needed me. We couldn't make each other happy no matter how hard we tried and I just refused to acknowledge it. I do now, I know I should make _myself_ happy first. But then I did the worst possible thing," Courtney said painstakingly, her heart aching with guilt and remorse.

Carly, whose own heart had involuntarily began feeling sympathy for Jax, stared at her warily and asked, "What did you do?" Courtney wiped at her eyes angrily, willing herself not to cry. "I thought I could do all that to Jax, I thought I could break my promise to him again... I thought I could do all that and he would still be willing to sacrifice his own feelings for me. I went to Bermuda, I thought he would be a little mad but that he wouldn't stay that way for long. I figured that he would understand like he always did and that we could finally start our relationship. But- but then some woman came out of his bathroom and once again, I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I didn't even bother to try and listen to his explanation, didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt. God, how hypocritical of me! I expect Jax to do all that for me, and he did, but whenever it was my turn to do the same for him- I never do. I left him there and came back to Port Charles. And then..." she said, swallowing at the lump in her throat, continued painfully, "Carly, Jax _still_ came after me. He put himself on the line again, he came here to try to explain and I slapped him. It- it hurt me so much to do that... and it hurts a thousand times worse because I know he didn't deserve it. I know he is telling me the truth when he says he didn't sleep with her. I was going to apologize but then..." She trailed off and then hated herself with a passion when she couldn't help but start crying again.

"Shh... it's okay..." Carly said comfortingly but Courtney simply shook her head and whispered, "He broke my heart." She paused as her words settled in before continuing sadly, "I don't even know when Jax finally captured a piece of it big enough to make me hurt this way but he has. He- he finally couldn't stand it anymore. He told me all the ways I hurt him and I didn't even respond- I _couldn't_ respond, because I knew all that he said was true! On-only I never realized it until he pointed them out to me. He- oh Carly, he left. He told me he loved me but that he couldn't do this anymore and he left!" she said brokenly, her eyes filled with anguish. "Shh... Jax will be back, you said it yourself that he always comes back the next day, willing to try again," Carly tried to say reassuringly.

"Jax is _never_ coming back and I don't have a right to expect him to! He risked it all because he finally found a way to _trust_ me and I broke his trust over and over again! I wasn't only blind when it came to Jason, I was blind when it came to Jax too! I didn't move on by myself, I didn't have the strength to pick up the pieces of my heart and continue my life alone. Jax came out of nowhere and _he_ helped me. He has done nothing but be selfless and put me first, but I have never _once_ put him first! You- you should have seen his eyes when he left Carly. He has never looked at me that way before- I've never seen Jax look that way before. He's always so happy, so fun-loving. He's always smiling, laughing, teasing. His blue eyes... oh my God, they are so blue... they're always twinkling at me like he is about to do something charming and reckless and he can't wait to see how I react. But today... they looked... dead. Every single bad feeling was floating in the depth of his eyes. He tricks everybody into seeing his carefree ways, to think that he is strong and can take on anything but inside, he hurts so much worse than anyone else. I knew that once- I figured it out but then over time, I forgot because he put up that front again. He hides his pain so well that you never know something is wrong. God, I- I love him Carly. I didn't know how much until today, until I realized everything that he has done for me and never asked for in return. I- I was finally coming in first with somebody and I didn't know what to do with it. And all Jax wanted to do was come in first with me and I never gave that to him. And now... now, Jax is gone and I- I miss him. I actually messed up so bad that Jax has finally given up on me. I single- handedly ruined the only chance I had with the person who made me look forward to everyday."

Courtney felt Carly wrap her arms around her and finally admitted what was hurting her the most. "I never learned to appreciate Jax the way he deserves to be appreciated and now I have to learn to live without him in my life. I- I don't know if I can do that," she whispered agonizingly. Carly felt her heart break for her best friend and could do nothing but sit there with her and say sadly, "I'm so sorry."


	10. Chapter 10

It was over. His relationship with Courtney, or whatever the hell you wanted to call it, it was actually over. Jax sat on the bench and stared out into the darkness. He heard the water crashing against the dock rhythmically and sought peace in its consistency. He felt restless. Empty. _I hate this_, he thought numbly to himself.

He didn't even know why he said all the things he said to her earlier. He didn't know he had been harboring so much bitterness and anger inside, so much hurt. He didn't even know when he had let Courtney Matthews steal a way into his heavily guarded heart. He wanted to say he hated her but he didn't. He could never hate Courtney, no matter how much pain she caused him because he knew she genuinely was a good person. She didn't _mean_ to make him feel this way, not intentionally. He simply hadn't registered enough to find a way to get into her heart.

Who was he kidding? There was no way into her heart because her heart belonged to Jason. He thought she had managed to take most of her heart back, that she had put the pieces back together and was ready to move on. He didn't mind that it was a severely scarred heart, a heart that had been smashed into a billion pieces because he loved it anyway. He thought it made her a stronger person, it made her heart a much more profound gift. But it wasn't his gift to take because she could never give it to him. He had stupidly gone and given her his own battle-down heart when she obviously didn't want it. And that hurt him a hell of a lot more than he wanted to deal with.

He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, feeling the wind swirling about and pulled his jacket a little tighter around him. He needed to get over this, he needed to move on. It wasn't as if Courtney was the last woman on earth. He was a wealthy, attractive and intelligent man in his own right, he could easily find another woman to entertain him. But he didn't want to be _entertained_, not anymore. He thought he did, that's why he made that stupid bet with Courtney. If he had known she would illicit such feelings from him, that it would end like this, he would have never gone anywhere near her. He knew she was Sonny's sister, Jason's ex-wife, Carly's best friend. She was inevitably attached to the mob and he despised every single thing about the organization.

But back then, back in the beginning... he had thought she showed great promise with moving out of that circle. Her own foundation, her own life. That's what intrigued him- a woman who could get past all that. But he was wrong. She couldn't move on, no matter how much she tried and now it was like he was reliving a part of his life he never wanted to remember. He loved Courtney but she didn't love him back. He had no choice, he couldn't make her feel what she didn't. He was going to have to come to grips with that, he was going to have to move on. It was what he did- what he always did. He had to throw himself into something else, find another focus to concentrate on.

His mind drifted to Alexis. She was going through a tough time and although he called her everyday to make sure she and Kristina were doing well, he didn't spend nearly as much time seeing them as he should. He glanced at his watch. Alexis had brought Kristina back to the hospital again. He would go visit them tomorrow, show his best friend some support and buy Kristina a present from Uncle Jax. True love wasn't the only love that existed- there were other types of love too. And if he couldn't succeed in one, he was damn well determined to succeed in the other.


	11. Chapter 11

Alexis paced back and forth outside the door of Kristina's hospital room, and finally stopped as she gazed through the large open window at her sleeping daughter. She looked so peaceful. Leukemia? She was so young... what did she do to deserve this? She saw Ric walking up to her and tried to put up a strong front.

"How you doing?" Ric asked, watching her with concern. "I'm fine- any news from Dr. Webber about finding a donor?" she asked hopefully. Ric shook his head and saw her clench her fists. "I'll get you some coffee," he offered and held her hand for a second before taking off. She walked back over to the window again, resting her finger lightly on there. _Please let Kristina be alright_, Alexis prayed silently. She loved her so much and she just wanted to know what she had to do to make her better. She would do anything, anything at all. She sighed deeply and closed her eyes. When was the last time she slept and got a full night's rest? She opened her eyes again and felt them blur. She was exhausted but she refused to leave until she knew her daughter was going to be safe. A heavy hand touched her shoulder and she turned around quickly, startled by the contact. She gazed straight into a pair of warm blue eyes.

"Jax!" she cried in relief, and saw him smile at her. "I came to see how you were doing and to give Kristina this," he replied, holding up a plush koala. "She'll love it," Alexis said, looking down at the cute toy. "Oh, I also brought her these," he said sheepishly, holding up a bag full of cookies from the most expensive bakery in town. "That sweet tooth of yours- you know it's going to be your downfall one day, right?" she asked teasingly, taking the bag from him. He grinned and gave her a long hug before holding her face in both his hands. "Any more news?" he asked, taking in her haggard expression. She shook her head silently and wrapped her arms around him again. "Don't worry, Kristina is strong, she'll be fine," Jax said comfortingly.

Alexis was worried. Very worried. She didn't know what she was going to do if the hospital required medical information on Kristina's father. It would be inevitable that Sonny's position would be revealed and that was what she didn't want most. She didn't want her daughter anywhere near that man. "I don't know if they're going to find a donor for her here, Jax. I-I'm scared," she admitted quietly. "You know I will do anything for you and Kristina, all you have to do is tell me what you need," he said without hesitation as he watched her walk into the room and followed her. Alexis stood on one side of Kristina's bed and watched as Jax gently lifted Kristina's arm and placed the koala protectively under it, bending down to press a kiss to her forehead. "You'll be okay, sweetheart, Uncle Jax promises he will do whatever he can to make it all better," he said softly to her. Yes, she would ask Jax. He would help her, he had never let her down before.

"I- I need a favor," she said, expelling a deep breath and sitting down in the chair. Jax saw her tired complexion and walked over, kneeling down in front of her as he took hold of her hands.. Alexis gratefully squeezed them for encouragement. "Can you please find a way for me and Kristina to leave the country? I want to get her help somewhere else, somewhere far away from Port Charles," she whispered. Jax heard her words and closed his eyes, debating the advantages and disadvantages of such a move. "You don't trust the medical staff here?" he asked. Alexis shook her head slowly and said, "I- I have to tell you something Jax." He listened in expectant silence as Alexis slowly drew herself away and said slowly, "I- Jax, Ned isn't Kristina's father. Sonny is."


	12. Chapter 12

Courtney pushed the food on her plate around aimlessly as she stared blankly in front of her. She was trying to move on, really she was. She had tried to pick up the broken pieces of her heart and stuffed them somewhere far away so that she didn't have to think about it or remember the remnants of Jax on them. She got up that morning, even though she didn't want to. Her entire sleep last night was fitful and restless, and Jax made too many appearances in them that she didn't want. So she decided to throw herself into her work. She left for an early morning jog in the park with Rosie to try and clear her mind. A part of her hoped that she would bump into Jax, another part hoped that she didn't have to see him and be reminded of what had happened. In the end, it hadn't mattered anyway because she didn't see him. "Is something wrong, honey?" Mike asked, standing over her with a pot of coffee in his hand. Courtney shook her head and gave him a small forced smile. "I'll be fine," she replied. He nodded but his eyes was filled with concern when he left. She forked a piece of salad into her mouth and chewed, resuming her previous state. She missed Jax. She wasn't used to not having him around, not hearing his voice or seeing him. But after all the things that he said, she knew that they couldn't go back to the way things were. She didn't blame him, not after the way she took him for granted. She'd give it some time for everything to pass and then she would apologize. She doubt he would want any romantic relationship with her after the way she treated him but maybe they could still be friends. Because Jax truly was a good friend. As for more than that- he was even better. But she didn't think that was a possibility anymore. Her heart ached at the thought of only being Jax's friend but she knew it was better than not having Jax in her life at all.

Alexis stared at Jax, preparing for an angry tirade or at least a shocked outburst. However, when he remained silent and calm, she began to grow nervous. "Jax?" she asked, touching his sleeve tentatively. "I always thought..." he mused quietly to himself and then sighed. "I had my suspicions but I didn't want to ask you. I figured that if you wanted to tell me, you would," he finally said. "You- you're not upset?" she asked in surprise. Jax gave her a tired smile and said, "Alexis, it's your life. You get to live it however you choose. You know how I felt about you and Sonny and I was happy to see it end but it doesn't change the fact that you are the one who makes your own decisions. We all just have to learn how to deal." Alexis gave him a small smile for being understanding and stood up. Jax held out his arms to her and she walked into them, resting her head against his broad chest. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Jax. Kristina needs a donor or... or she's going to die. I- I don't want to ask Sonny, not until I know for sure I have no choice. If he finds out she is his daughter, he is going to be very upset and he's going to try to fight me for custody and I don't want to deal with that, not right now... not _ever_, if I have a choice," she said fiercely. Jax took in her words and felt tensed. He knew exactly what Sonny Corinthos was all about and he was certain that he would drag this entire thing out in a huge, ugly battle if he ever found out Kristina was his daughter. There was no way in hell Jax would let him hurt Alexis or Kristina in any way. He would use all the resources he had to prevent that from ever happening. If he had a choice, Sonny would never be allowed to come within ten feet of Kristina and Alexis. But he also knew that this was no time to let his own personal feelings get in the way. Kristina was sick and she needed help- help that Sonny might be able to give her. A family member would be a more likely match and if Sonny was tested, Morgan would also become a potential donor. Perhaps even his child with Sam, if she was born any time soon. He fought with himself to restrain from saying anything damning about Alexis' prior relationship with Sonny because he knew it would only hurt and aggravate her. "Look, okay, I promise you that I will do anything in my power to help you and Kristina get through this. You can trust me. I can't stop you if you really want to bring Kristina out of the country but listen to me- I think it's safer if you two stay here. If there are no possible donors, Sonny is an option. Not only him, but Morgan as well. I just don't want you to do anything you're going to regret, Alexis, and I know you will if you don't do _everything_ you can to help her. It kills me to say this because you know I hate Corinthos but we've got to do what is best for Kristina," Jax said seriously. Alexis heard his words, knew he was right. She sighed resignedly and said, "I just don't want..." Her eyes blurred as she watched her daughter. Jax wrapped an arm around her shoulder comfortingly and whispered, "I know."


	13. Chapter 13

Courtney stepped out of the hospital elevator and looked around for Carly. She had left an urgent message on her cell phone's voice mail, asking Courtney to meet her here and now that she came all this way, typical Carly- she was nowhere in sight. She sighed and walked towards the front desk to find Bobbie, thinking that she might know where Carly was when Carly herself walked up to her. "Hey," she said, pushing Morgan in a stroller. "Hey sweetie! Oh, how I've missed you!" Courtney said, picking up Morgan and flashing Carly an exhausted smile which she returned. "Thanks for meeting me here, I wanted to see how you were doing but I didn't want to do it over the phone," Carly admitted, trying to read her feelings. Courtney was touched by her concern but there was no way to explain that empty feeling so she said, "I'm fine. And if I'm not- I will be in time."

Carly nodded slowly and debated whether or not she should confide in Courtney about Kristina. Carly had spoken heatedly with Alexis earlier today about whether or not to tell Sonny about his daughter but it had gone nowhere. Alexis still refused to let Sonny know he was the father unless there was no other choice and Carly herself wasn't excited about that prospect either. She did not know what Sonny was going to do when he found out that she had been lying to him all this time. "Courtney, there's something I want-"Carly started but stopped when she saw Courtney's face pale. She turned and followed her gaze.

"Come on sweetie, Uncle Jax is going to take you to go buy an ice cream popsicle okay? Your mom won't ever know, she finally went home to shower. You want strawberry? Grape?" Jax asked playfully, cuddling Kristina closer to him. "Uncle Jax!" she said promptly and caused him to laugh as he pressed a kiss to her cheek. "You're so smart! For that, maybe I'll even let you have two! Just don't tell your mom, she'll kill me," he told her smilingly and carried her towards the cafeteria. He knew she should rest but the poor girl had looked so miserable in her hospital bed that even the koala he bought her (which she had aptly named Jaxers and refused to let anyone take from her) couldn't cheer her up. So he decided to give her what he always used to cheer himself up- sweets. Besides, he had asked Dr. Webber and the man had given his okay.

Spending time with Alexis and Kristina had brightened his day. He was actually feeling a lot lighter now that he had unloaded some of his feelings on Alexis, who had been adamant in her questioning of what happened between him and Courtney. He had been reluctant to confide in her at first because he didn't want to burden her with his problems but she had teasingly told him that she didn't want to wallow in her own misery anymore- she would rather wallow in his. So he told her what happened and she had looked at him sympathetically, given him a hug and then as usual, given him her very logical advice. And that was to let things come as they may and deal with it as well as he could.

Courtney watched Jax's interaction with Kristina and felt her heart ache. He looked so handsome and at ease with her. She remembered when he had been awkward and clumsy holding Morgan not too long ago, before they had made that bet. It was obvious that he adored Kristina and that Kristina seemed to trust and love him just as much. He hadn't even noticed her presence, had focused all his attention on the little girl in his arms. She watched his back disappear around a corner. "Courtney?" Carly asked tentatively, touching her arm. Courtney shook her head and tried to smile. "Sorry, my mind just drifted for a bit there. What did you want to tell me?" she asked. Carly looked at her hesitantly and decided that it was probably better not to tell Courtney right now. She was too preoccupied already. "Nothing. I was just wondering if you wanted to go to get a cup of coffee with me," she lied.

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Alexis stared at Ric in shock. Did he really just propose to her? "Ric, you don't know what you're saying," Alexis said, stepping back. Ric saw her hesitation, knew it was inevitable. They had only begun their relationship and he had just asked her to marry him. "Look, I care about you Alexis and this marriage will work out. You have to tell Sonny that Kristina is his daughter, there's no other choice. He needs to be tested and so do Michael and Morgan if Kristina is going to have any chance at all to make it through this," he said quietly. He had really grown to care about both the mother and the child, and he was willing to do whatever it took to help them through this mess.

"No, there will be other donors. They found one already, didn't they?" Alexis asked, trying to comprehend what he was saying. "Alexis! They found one but that person was killed in a car crash on the way here. You almost told Jason Sonny was the Kristina's father! We have no other choice. I'm offering you marriage- a way to keep Sonny away from Kristina. I will adopt her and then we can fight for custody together. Two lawyers and a marriage can make a much better case," he told her, watching her absorb his words. Alexis closed her eyes and tried to gather her thoughts.

It was ridiculous- marriage to Ric Lansing. They barely knew each other! Granted, she had grown to care for him a lot in the past few months and he had been extremely good at helping her out. She sighed. Her marriage of convenience to Jax had given her a best friend. Perhaps this wasn't so bad a route to embark on. Ric did have a point. If she was in a presented "loving" relationship, she would stand a much higher chance at keeping sole custody of Kristina. In addition to that, she knew Ric would do anything he could to ensure it and as crazy as it seemed- she trusted him. Finally opening her eyes and looking at him, she whispered, "Yes."


	14. Chapter 14

Jax sat in the chapel with Kristina by his side, happily licking her orange popsicle. "Is it good?" he asked and rumpled her hair affectionately when she smiled and nodded enthusiastically. She reached for his hand and grabbed his fingers, offering her popsicle to him- her large brown eyes bright and trusting. He shook his head and picked her up, placing her in his lap. "No thanks, but I have to tell you- that was the best offer I've gotten all day," he teasingly confided, his blue eyes twinkling as he watched her resume eating again.

Being with Kristina reminded him how much it had hurt when he found out that he was not the father of Sam's baby. He was at that point in his life where he wanted children. He wanted someone to be able to love, to teach all the morals and values that his parents had taught him. He wanted to give his mother some good news, she hadn't had any in a long time and he wanted to honor his father's memory by utilizing what he had taught him and passing that on to his own child. It simply wasn't that easy though. In order to have a child, he had to find someone he loved who loved him back first and shared the same dreams he had. And that obviously wasn't going to be happening for a very long time. Possibly never. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Perhaps he had already let the "one love of a lifetime" slip out of his fingers when he refused to marry Brenda. He gazed down at Kristina and softly stroked her dark hair. She was so innocent- she didn't deserve all of the bad things that were happening to her.

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Courtney held Michael's hand as he yanked at it incessantly. "I don't know why we have to be here, Uncle Jason said that John Durant is a bad man and Mommy shouldn't be visiting him!" Michael said crossly, unable to understand why his mother would do such a thing. If Uncle Jason told him John Durant was no good and his father never disagreed, then it must be true. He looked up to both men and he believed that they could do no wrong. Courtney sighed and knelt down until she was at eye level with him. "Sweetie, it's not up to you what your mommy does, okay? John Durant is her father and she wants to get to know him. You want your mom to be happy, don't you?" she asked, giving him a look. Michael crossed his arms over his chest and said, "Yes, but I don't want her around him!" He looked hurt and bitter that his mother would do this to him.

She smiled at Bobbie, who walked up to them and said, "Michael, you don't look very happy." Michael went over to his grandmother and repeated what he just told Courtney. Bobbie sighed at him and said, "I know just the thing to improve your disposition. It's Dr. James' birthday today and we bought him a chocolate cake. Would you like a piece?" Michael nodded and she smiled at Courtney before leading him away. Courtney looked around the hospital and felt a little awkward and alone. Carly was with Morgan visiting Durant and Michael just left with Bobbie. She didn't want to leave because she knew Carly had something else she wanted to talk to her about even if she was avoiding it at the moment. She decided to go into the chapel and wait. It was quiet in there and perhaps it would offer her some comfort.

She walked in the general direction and opened the door quietly, preparing to step in when she noticed that someone was already in there sitting in the very front pew. Her heart stopped when she saw who it was. She would recognize that familiar tousled blonde hair anywhere.


	15. Chapter 15

"I don't do this much, but do you want to pray sweetheart? Maybe someone will hear our prayers and take care of you the way you should be taken care of," Jax said quietly to Kristina and smiled when she handed him the popsicle stick, completely bare now. He put the stick to the side and grabbed both her hands, holding them up between his own. "Let's see, what should we ask God for?" he asked, watching her giggle at him. "It might help if you act serious when you ask Him for things, so He knows that you're sincere," he lectured, chuckling. Gazing down at her adoringly, he said, "On the other hand, you're so pretty and sweet that I think He will forgive you for anything."

Focusing his concentration back on the task at hand, he prayed, "Please God, give Kristina the strength to make it through this ordeal. She is so young, she hasn't had a chance to experience all the beautiful things that life has to offer her." He paused when he saw Kristina gazing up at him steadily, as if she was trying to figure out what he was doing. He sighed wistfully and continued, "She hasn't experienced all the beautiful things or any of the bad things that will inevitably come her way. Please don't let this be the only bad thing she experiences. Please let her have a chance to share her story in this world, to leave her impact on other people and to lead the extraordinary life that I know is in store for her. Each obstacle that comes her way will only make her stronger. But she won't be able to prove her strength, to showcase any of her talents, if she can't make it through this. I want so much for her. She is loved by many and I want her to be able to grow up knowing that, feeling that love everyday- from her mother, from me, from all those around her. I want to watch her grow up into the beautiful woman I know she is going to be and find her way through life- hopefully burning her own path. And then I want her to be able to find that one true love- the one man that will cherish her forever, who will respect her for who she is and treat her as his equal. One who will appreciate all the wonderful things about her, one who will love her with all his heart just as I hope she feels for him. Love can be painful and hurt beyond any measurement- but it can also fulfill one's life and make it worthwhile. All I am asking is that You give her the chance to experience all that."

Kristina seemed to sense his sadness as she laid her head against his chest and asked, "No happy?" He stroked her hair lightly and said, "It'll be okay, sweetheart."

Courtney heard his prayer and felt his words. He amazed her with his undying optimism. Even when he was hurting and battered from his own brushes with love and lost, Jasper Jacks still couldn't let it go. Even if love did him wrong, he held no resentment towards it- he still wished it on someone else, because he believed that love could make them happy even if it could not him. She walked quietly into the chapel towards them.

Jax heard footsteps and looked up when a shadow loomed over him. He felt his heart wrench painfully when he saw Courtney's familiar blue eyes and beautiful face. "Hi," she said softly, afraid that he would cut her dead but wanting desperately to talk to him. Jax stared at her for several seconds in silence, trying to decide how to deal with the situation. "Hi," he finally said back. Relieved that he wasn't angry, she sat down tentatively next to him and asked, "How are you feeling?" She saw Jax's eyes watch her warily and the amount of guilt in her heart doubled. "I'm worried about Kristina," he finally answered, deciding to just ignore their past and focus on the future. Courtney knew what he was trying to do so she said, "I know you are, but the best thing to do is stay positive." Jax smiled feebly at her encouragement and felt Kristina turn her head to look at Courtney. "Yellow?" Kristina asked, pointing at Courtney's hair and causing her to laugh. Jax tried not to wince at how musical it always sounded to him.

"Kristina, this is Courtney. Want to say hi?" he asked, taking her small hand away from the koala. "Hi," Kristina said automatically and Courtney smiled at her intelligence. "Hi. That's a very cute koala. What's his name?" she asked, pointing at the stuffed animal in her hand. Kristina gazed at her, completely enraptured, and said, "Jaxers." Courtney raised her eyebrows at Jax and he grinned as he said, "What can I say? The kid's got great taste." Courtney rolled her eyes at him and they both started laughing. They stopped quickly though when they both remembered what had transpired between them. Jax shifted uncomfortably and stood up, holding Kristina protectively in his arms. "Well, I should go. Alexis is probably back by now and worried about where Kristina is," he said, trying to smile at her and turning to walk away. Behind him he heard Courtney say hesitantly, "Jax- wait."


	16. Chapter 16

Jax paused at her words, hearing the regret in them. He wanted to turn around, he wanted to ask her why she couldn't have just let him end their relationship all those other times he had offered. If she had just let him go, if she had not told him she didn't want to lose him, if she hadn't told him that she cared about him... he would have never stayed and they would not be here like this right now. He would have been able to treat her as a good friend, he would not be feeling all this hurt and misery whenever he saw her. It was too soon- he thought he could deal with her but it was obvious now that he couldn't. Without turning around, he continued walking again.

Courtney felt her eyes well up when he chose to ignore her. "Please," she said softly, waiting to see if he would turn around to look at her. Jax felt awful when he heard her wounded tone. Taking a deep breath, he turned around to face her- his walls up as high as he could get them. He felt a tiny crack when he saw the look in her eyes. Courtney saw him watch her warily and the knowledge of how much she had hurt him hit her with full force once again. If he had felt anything remotely close to what she had been feeling ever since their fallout... she couldn't imagine why he would ever want to speak to her again. "I- I'm sorry Jax, for everything that happened," she said quietly, gazing at him and willing him to believe her.

Jax saw the sincereness and sadness in her eyes and let out a deep breath. "Things didn't work out. Obviously I thought there was more to us than there really was and I was wrong," he said without conviction. "You weren't wrong, Jax," Courtney said softly. "Yes, I was," Jax replied resolutely, turning to walk away again. Courtney stood up and grabbed his hand before he could leave. He felt her hand holding on to his and looked down at their fingers interlocking once again. If he was wrong then why did it feel so damn _right_? "Look, Courtney, it's okay. I mean, I- I really liked you and we had our share of good memories, we'll always have those to remember. We simply weren't meant to be. I'll get over it, I'll move on- it's what everybody has to do in life in order to survive," he said and tried to pull his hand back. Kristina watched the two adults talk without making a sound because she sensed that it was an important discussion and did not want to interrupt.

Courtney's heart ached when she heard him regress his feelings for her back to "like" instead of what he had professed it to be before- love. She didn't know if it mattered anymore what she said to him but she wanted to say it anyway, for her own peace of mind as much as his. "Jax, you made me realize a lot of things the other night," she admitted softly. Jax saw her raise her mesmerizing eyes to his and knew he needed to get out of there before he fell for them again. It would only inevitably lead to more heartbreak and he didn't think his heart could take anymore beating. "I- I should go," he said quickly, trying to retract his hand again but Courtney refused to let go.

"Can you please just listen to me?" she asked, staring at him as if she was trying to read his soul. "It- it's not a good idea," he said, watching her eyes grow bright with tears and feeling guilt tug shamelessly at his heart. Courtney finally let go of his hand resignedly and Jax felt the loss resonate deeply, all the way within the dark confines of his heart. "No sad," Kristina said, pointing at Courtney. Jax stroked her hair comfortingly and said, "Shh. Say bye to Courtney, Kristina." Courtney saw the little girl's intelligent eyes watch her quietly for a second before waving. She smiled tearfully and said, "Bye Kristina. I hope you feel better." Jax turned to leave but Kristina moved her head to the side to catch one last glimpse at Courtney and smiled at her. For some reason, that gave Courtney the encouragement that she needed. Without thinking, she blurted out, "I love you, Jax."


	17. Chapter 17

Jax felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach when he heard her declaration. He shut his eyes and felt Kristina lean around to look at Courtney again. Why was she doing this to him? Why couldn't she just let him try to move on? Why was she trying to pull him back in again? He started growing angry. What the hell did she think she was she doing anyway? Did she really think that just because she said that to him that he would believe her? He had believed her one too many times when she had said she was over Jason but that obviously wasn't true. He had definitely learned his lesson from that painful experience. Turning around to face her, he said, "I don't know why you're saying this but the least you could do is respect me enough not to lie to me at this point." Courtney felt as if he slapped her. She was trying to pour her heart out to him and he didn't believe her. "I- I mean it," she stammered, staring at him miserably when disbelief flashed across his face.

"Courtney, you don't love me. You told me that you only think of me as a friend, one that you find entertaining and fun to be with but not someone you would miss as more than that. You love Jason, and you probably always will. I don't know what sort of fight you two got into that would cause you to think that you need to tell me you love me, but I want you to stop," he said bitterly.

"There was _no_ fight! I love Jason but I am not _in_ love with him anymore! I love _you_!" she cried out, frustrated that he didn't believe her. Jax stared at her, trying to ignore the way his heart was aching. Hugging Kristina tighter to him, he said painfully, " I- I'm already hurting enough Courtney, please. I want us to be able to stay friends and I- I don't think we can do that if you keep doing this to me. Just- please, just stop." Courtney felt the tears sliding slowly down her cheeks and she stood up, looking at him through the blurriness. He didn't want to hear her, he didn't want to listen to her. Was this what she made him feel like when he tried to tell her how he felt and she would just brush him off, assuming that he should do what she wanted him to?

Walking up until she was directly in front of him, she said achingly, "I can't stop. I don't think there is anything that I can say to you that will make you believe me, but I do love you Jax. Somewhere between Monte Carlo and now, I fell in love with you. I- I just didn't know what to do with it, I hadn't expected it and when I realized it- I did the only thing I knew how to do and that was hide. I thought that I could never love another person after Jason but then you happened and I didn't want to believe it. I don't know why- maybe because I never thought that you and I would be more than just a bet. Maybe it's because it made me realize how unhappy I was with Jason at the end and that hurt me. I loved him with all my heart, I didn't want to believe that we couldn't make our marriage work because we weren't happy. Because we were, at the beginning. It was just easier to blame everything else than to blame ourselves. I tried so hard and I don't think I wanted to admit that I was giving up on our love when I decided to divorce him. I wanted to believe that something else drove us apart, not me, because then that meant that what we had was _real_. That's why I leap to his defense every single time. I- I just want for him to be okay, to be happy because I couldn't make him happy when I was married to him."

"You weren't giving up on your love with Jason when you divorced him. You were dealing with what had to be done in order for you and him to be happy again. That is love in itself," Jax said quietly, unable to bear her blaming herself yet again. Courtney's heart warmed at his ability to think so unselfishly and fairly in such a situation. "Jax, you taught me that it was okay to move on. You reminded me what it was like to smile and laugh, to be carefree," she told him, reaching out her hand to touch his sleeve. He smiled sadly at her. "I'm glad you learned that you could be happy again one day," he said and began walking out of the chapel.

"I was happy with you! I was happier than I ever was, it seemed like it was too good to be true! I- I was scared. So much more than I wanted to admit and I didn't want to tell you. You made me feel, you made me want to be in love again but I- Jax, I am so scared of love. It hurts too much and I know you know that. I don't know how you find the strength to try again after everything that's happened. It's so painful when things don't work out, when you've done all you can and it all still blows up in your face. I didn't want to go through all that with you! I've done it with both AJ and Jason and all in a short period of time. I _wasn't_ supposed to fall in love with you, can't you understand that? I know you made that bet with me because you wanted something uncomplicated but that's the reason I accepted! I- I just didn't know things would get this far and now it's too late," she said miserably.

Jax wanted to reach out and pull her into his arms comfortingly but he restrained himself and tried to harden his heart again. He was about to apologize and make his exit when she gazed up at him unflinchingly and said with absolutely no hesitation in her voice, "Even if you never want to see me again, I want you to understand this- I love you, Jax. I don't want you to walk away from this relationship without knowing that. I don't want you to think that you weren't enough, that I never loved you because it's not true. I love your smile, I love the way your eyes are a different shade of blue each time your emotion changes. I love how you're so open when you talk to me, I love how you make me feel when you hold me in your arms and kiss me. I love how you never berate me for defending you and I love how you're proud of me when I help you. I love how I feel protected whenever you hold my hand and I love the quiet way you talk to me. I love how you listen to me and respect me as your equal. I- I love how you make me _feel_, Jax." She wiped away a tear that had spilled onto her cheek and stared down at his feet because she couldn't bear to see the rejection in his eyes.

"Cry?" Kristina asked innocently, her brown eyes wide as she stared at Courtney. Jax tried to tell himself that it was better just to leave, that it would do him no good to go back. He had already tried his hardest with Courtney and he didn't have anymore to give. But when he saw her dejected form, he could not find it in his heart to leave her because every word that she had spoken, every single reason that she had listed for why she loved him- was exactly why he loved her. Taking a deep breath, he battled internally with himself until he couldn't stand it anymore. Taking one slow step forward, he held out his hand and gently tipped her chin up, gazing into her tear-filled eyes. Looking at Kristina, he said, "No. No more crying." Courtney felt her heart leap with joy when Jax finally looked at her again, his blue eyes yielding. "No more sadness. On-only love and happiness," he said quietly.

Courtney reached her hand slowly up and touched the hand that was under her chin and felt it drop to the side, his fingers laced tightly with hers. He watched her intently and she knew that the next move had to be hers. Taking a deep breath and wiping away the tears on her face, she stepped closer to him and slowly but surely, she stepped on her tiptoes and brushed her lips softly against his. She hesitated a second, opening her eyes to see him gazing down at her, his blue eyes flickering. They were both remembering how good it was between them. Courtney was unsure of what to do next but it didn't matter because she didn't have to think at all. Jax slowly bent his head again and kissed her gently, molding his lips to hers, leaving her absolutely breathless because she could feel all the love and forgiveness he had for her in that kiss. She moved closer to him and kissed him back with all the love in her own heart. They felt Kristina's hands move as she put one on each of their cheek and giggled as they finally drew apart.

"Happy!" Kristina exclaimed, brushing her hand against their cheeks excitedly. They smiled at her and nodded. "Yes, very happy," Courtney said softly, staring at Jax. She glowed when he gave her one of his lazy, intimate smiles- the ones he reserved for when she did something that made him extremely happy or proud. He held out his hand and watched as Courtney stared at it. Taking a deep breath, she reached out her own hand and grasped it tightly. "Don't ever let go," he said quietly. "I don't plan to, not this time," she replied confidently and felt her heart skip a beat when he brushed a kiss against their locked hands. "Good," he whispered as he began leading them out of the chapel.

Courtney stopped him, her blue eyes radiant, and said teasingly, "Just to clarify- I love you, Jasper Jacks." He grinned at her and made her feel warm all over when he said tenderly, "I love you too, Courtney Matthews." Satisfied, she let him lead her out the door, one arm carrying Kristina and his other hand grasping her own. They had no idea that the fragile house of cards erected about them was about to collapse and that they were going to be caught in the thick of it. But at that moment- they were finally together and ready to take on whatever obstacle that came their way.


End file.
